I hate this blog. I hate writing it. I hate not-writing it. I hate that it is another thing on my to-do list. I hate that people tell me “I read your blog, It’s great.” It makes it seem like I only do this blog to get compliments (Why else would I be doing it?) I hate reading it. I sound either preachy or cynical. Both tones depress me. Most of all, I hate that it is a blog. I don’t read blogs (is that horrible thing to say?).
I don’t mean I have never read a blog. I occasionally check out a literary review or a comedic posting and I think to myself: “Wow he/she is really funny and smart.” (I only read blogs by hermaphrodites.) But mostly I don’t have time to read blogs. I would rather do something else with my time (stare at my pores, watch French Erotic Thrillers, sleep). After all, blogs seem so self-promoting–which is such a sad and obvious thing to be (and necessary too?).
That is perhaps why I find my own blog writing to be an onanistic (nice word for masturbatory) endeavor. I would kick a poet in the teeth if she/he never read anyone else’s poems. How selfish! How Horrible!
Actually the real problem would be that not reading poetry would result in bad poetry 99% of the time.
Is the same true with blogs?
Still, I think that my inner critic (who is an asshole) has gotten the better of me in my own blogging. I have ten or fifteen blogs that I half wrote and then discarded because I thought they seemed awful and lame. They might be both. I only started writing this blog because I thought I could justify it with the excuse that Helene had asked me to do it. But really, I just wanted the attention. I just wanted an excuse to have to write every week. (Why did I need an excuse?) Then I made it into a rule–something I had to do. Then I hated it. Then I hated blogs in general. Really, none of these things matter enough to hate,
I remember a few of the blogs, especially the one about the Italian girl I dated, did make me feel better. Being in New York and poor and not-in-Paris and unsure if what to do was depressing. Most of the time, when I actually sat down and did it, this writing this blog made me feel better. Which is, I guess, pretty onanistic.